


What Is Love?

by phandomlights



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, 2009!phan, ? maybe, Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Arguments, Death, Fighting, Fights, Love, M/M, dan and phil have kids, danisnotonfire - Freeform, i actually didn't think about her last name, winnie - Freeform, winnie howell, winnie lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4435526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phandomlights/pseuds/phandomlights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is love? Love is overflowing. Love is unconditional. Love is forever. Maybe it takes Dan Howell a while to realize that, but eventually he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Is Love?

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This fic talks about death a lot towards the end. 
> 
> You can like it/reblog this fic on my Tumblr, which is philipstriker.tumblr.com (#spon). Anyway, enjoy it! I appreciate thoughts/criticisms/kudos at the end!!

**Love is overflowing.**

When Dan had first met Phil in real life, seeing him in the flesh instead of over a computer screen had made his chest fill with such excitement and fondness he could feel it dripping off of him and around him, spreading to everyone in the station around the two of them. The smile on his face reflected a fraction of what he was feeling inside, but it couldn't capture quite enough. He had planned to spend the next week with Phil, but these feelings meant he couldn't go a day without kissing the black-haired, dreamy-eyed boy. So he had, he kissed Phil for the first time when they were alone in his bedroom that night. Dan just needed to feel Phil's lips upon his. Phil had initially been shocked, but that didn’t stop him from kissing Dan back with such a force they could stop the sun from rising. Dan had pulled away from the kiss after a few long moments and looked into Phil's eyes, his heart beating and his chest filling with the same feeling as it had at the train station.

Over the next six years, that feeling never went away. Dan would simply look at Phil and he would be filled with such a feeling of love that he couldn't help but grin and look at him like he was his world. Because Phil was his world. And every single day, from the times they would see each other at Phil's flat in Manchester while Dan was at uni, or lived with one another in a cheap place in the heart of Manchester, or in their apartment in London amongst their busy lives, Dan would just love Phil more and more.

Dan would try to show it with flowers and romantic dates and kisses and home cooked dinners. Phil would smile and laugh and say, "You don't need to do this for me." Dan would say, "But I do," and then he would kiss Phil.

Dan loved Phil so much, sometimes it felt like he would explode. It felt like it was filling him up until he couldn't contain it and it was spilling out of him and everywhere around him. Dan's love for Phil was overflowing.

\- - - - -

**Love is unconditional.**

 

Sometimes nights with Dan and Phil ended in slammed doors and silence. Dan was the one with the temper, the one who yelled and shut doors too loudly to prove a point. Phil was the one who didn't like to make a fuss, and would torture Dan with unanswered questions and turned backs.

Things weren't always perfect between them. Dan got frustrated easily. Phil would ignore things and act as if they weren't happening. Dan would ask him, "Why do you keep letting these things happen to you? Why do you let people blank your existence and take credit for things you've done?" Phil would shrug. "I don't want to cause any problems."

Dan would huff. "Is it worth it? Would you rather cause a little bit of drama and have it be over or not say anything and be unrecognized your whole life?"

"It's not going to be like that, Dan," Phil would say, looking at Dan with an expression that said,  _Can this conversation be over now_?

But Dan would keep going. He would keep pressing Phil and asking him questions. Phil would keep stepping away and Dan would press more. And eventually they would be raising their voices. And at some point during the night, Dan would storm off into his bedroom and shut the door a bit more forcefully than he intended to.

This would happen a few times. They would argue over different things, some more serious topics than others. They would reach varying levels of anger at one another. However, despite that, they never let it get in the way of their relationship.

After Dan had shut his door and yelled into his pillow and gone onto his laptop to calm himself down, Phil waited no longer than an hour to crack open his bedroom door and ask to come in. Dan would let out a grunt that meant he could.

Phil would open the door and cautiously approach Dan with two bowls of ice cream in each hand. He would hand one to Dan. Dan would take it with a quiet "thank you". Phil would sit down next to Dan on his bed and look over his shoulder at his laptop, asking him what he was doing. It was most likely Tumblr or Netflix, so Phil would watch Dan scroll or watch and they would finish their ice cream together in silence.

They wouldn't say it, but they knew that those hours of silence together were their ways of apology. They didn't have to formally say "I'm sorry," because when Phil did something as simple as bring Dan a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream and Dan did something as simple as let him watch an anime over his shoulder, it was enough to bring things back to normal. Whatever had been a problem minutes ago was lost. It didn't have to matter.  Their love for each other always patched up the cracks that sometimes etched themselves into their relationship.

Despite their little fights and frustrations at one another, their love was unconditional.

\- - - - -

**Love is forever.**

70 years later, Dan looked down at Phil and felt that same explosion of love in his chest that he had when they first met. But it was different this time, why, he didn't exactly know. Dan couldn't help but smile as he looked down at Phil's body in the satin-lined wooden coffin. Phil looked peaceful, his eyes closed and his arms laying still next to his body. Tears pricked the back of Dan's eyes and blurred his vision. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to face Winnie, his daughter, who looked at him with sad eyes. He nodded at her and turned away from Phil's lifeless body.

Dan leaned against the wall beside Phil's coffin as he looked down at his folded hands and a family member of Phil's began to speak at the front of the room. It was a lot about how Phil lived a long and happy life. Dan didn't bother to close his eyes when a prayer began in Phil's honor. He continued to look down at his polished black shoes and thumbs that fiddled shakily with age.

Everyone in the room looked up after the prayer finished. A few men, including Dan, walked up to the casket and lifted it up onto their shoulders to carry it into the main service hall. Dan tried to keep his face emotionless, but on the inside it was like a whirlwind of pain and anguish, twisting his stomach around and stinging his chest.

Phil had only died three days ago, and at first Dan was just empty inside, almost hollow and devoid of any sadness or grief. But then the sadness started to creep inside, slipping into him as he poured over pictures of them throughout their life together in his living room and relived the old memories. When they first met at the train station. When they moved to London. When they starred in their very first movie together. Their wedding ceremony. When they finally adopted their daughter, Winnie. A million more memories that Dan was very fond of, but it reminded him of Phil and it made him think that it was all over. There were no more memories to be made together, because Phil was gone. And Dan didn't have much time left to live either.

They set Phil's casket down on a table in front of a pulpit. Winnie was the first to walk up to it and speak. She looked tired, the wrinkles around her eyes looking more creased and her dark blonde hair lined with gray streaks. She was in her mid-forties, but she looked older. Her two children, Dan's grandchildren, sat in the front pews, looking down at their laps. They were teenagers now. Dan looked at them fondly as he stood beside Winnie. He would be speaking next, but he tried not to think about it and focused on the two children sitting in front, trying not to cry over the death of their grandfather. It didn't really help him, but at the same time it did. For the second time, he didn't know why, and he felt strange about it.

Winnie was in the middle of her speech and tears were already streaming down her face. Dan tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over, but he wasn't successful. Two tears dropped down onto his cheeks in quick succession and he hurried to wipe them away, even though pretty much everyone in the room was crying as well and they wouldn't care if he was sobbing, in fact, they would understand. Maybe they would even support it. Still, Dan didn't want to cry in a room full of people.

Dan straightened up to look out at the pews full of Phil's family members and closest friends. Dan saw Chris Kendall sitting alone, looking to the front of the room with a vacant expression. He wished PJ were still here to join Chris and give him company.

Soon, it was Dan's turn to step up to the pulpit and talk about how kind Phil was and how much he loved his family and how he would be missed dearly and all of the funeral-y stuff that he was supposed to say. Technically, everything he said was true, but it all felt wrong for some reason. Again. He didn't want to stand here and tell people how great Phil was. Because Phil _was_ great, but it didn't matter now. He was gone, and there was nothing they could do about it. What was the point in reminiscing if he wasn't even around anymore?

The rest of the funeral went by in a blur. Dozens of people were patting Dan on the back and asking if he was okay and telling him how sorry they were. Dan kept nodding and answering questions, but he really just wanted to get out of the room and take a breath. He knew he couldn’t. He was the husband. He had to stay the whole time and act okay, when really he was a sad and bitter old man who needed some fresh air.

They took Phil's casket to a graveyard in Manchester, a 3 hour drive from the service in London. Dan watched as they lowered the wooden box down into a hole in the ground and covered it with soil. He couldn't stop his tears. He cried silently as to not draw attention, but Winnie must have noticed his shaking shoulders as she put her arm around his shoulders and cried along with him. Dan wished he wasn't doing this, he didn't want anyone to see except maybe his own daughter, but he couldn't stop, even though he tried.

After they had said a final prayer, people started filing out of the graveyard and went back to their vehicles to drive away, back to homes with loving families. Dan held back, looking at Phil's gravestone. Winnie asked him if he would be okay as she left. He nodded. She walked away, leaving him in the silence with just the leaves rustling above him and the breeze whispering in his ears.

Dan stood there, his hands folded together as he looked at the headstone with Phil’s name engraved in it, even after everyone had left. When everybody was gone, Dan stepped closer to Phil's grave. He took a deep breath. The tears had stopped minutes ago, but as soon as he started talking, they started spilling onto his cheeks again.

"Hey, Phil," he said, and then he laughed. It was empty and void of any hint of happiness. "This feels ridiculous." Dan sighed heavily. "I'm still here, so may as well."

Dan lowered himself onto the ground. His frail old body had difficulty getting there, but eventually he was sitting. "I miss you like hell, old man. I... I do." Dan continued to cry, taking breathes in between words.

"I'm so sad you're gone, but maybe I'll be gone too soon, and we can go... Wherever you are, together. I..." Dan stopped. He sat in silence for a long time, the tears slowing down but not stopping completely. The sky was gray and the cold wind nipped at Dan's skin. He didn't say anything, he just looked down at Phil's grave with sadness and love burning in his chest.

Dan finally decided to speak again after many silent minutes and after his tears had stopped. "I loved you so much. I still do. I still love you so, so much. I hope... I hope I can see you again soon. Goodbye, Phil. I'll see you soon. I love you." Dan wiped the wetness from his cheeks and pushed himself off the ground with a grunt. He put a hand on Phil's gravestone, looking down at it with a lump in his throat. He smiled weakly before turning around, his hand sliding off of the tombstone and hanging at his side.

Dan felt slightly better as he walked away from Phil's grave. He felt like a bit of sadness had chipped away and was replaced with a sense of reassurance. He loved Phil. He had loved Phil for the past 77 years, and he would for as many more years as he could. He would love Phil even after he was gone off this Earth, and he would possibly even join him in heaven or purgatory or the afterlife or whatever the hell went on after he was gone and dead so that he could love Phil for eternity. He didn't have to worry, because their love was forever.


End file.
